Up late..

Up late, cuz I have to stay up two hours past my normal bed time. No caffeine since 9 am. This blows.

This is what my head feels like ;lnfskvklsdng;aierhgf.am,gnvdgfh. With lots of drums pounding. I have to get up 2 hours earlier than I'd like to drive Stinkyman to work, because some jackhole hit his car and took off, so it's at the car doctor getting fixed. Oh, the reasoning I have to do all this is because I have to go get an EEG done, cuz I'm having seizures for some unknown reason, so tomorrow I get to look like this.

Yaaaaaaay. This outta be fun. This means Princess Wiggles gets to go to a sitter. Wiggles is going through mondo separation anxiety mode. Any advice on dealing with this? Basically what I've been doing is the Kiss, have a good time, bye bye mode and she still cries for a good portion of the time I'm gone. Granted, she's 19 months old so there's some to do with her age. Still though, it's hard on Mama (or Baba, as she calls me) to know that she's THAT upset the whole time I'm gone. / =

Anyhow, things here are meh. I'm adapting to my new meds. I got a big ole pill thing so I remember to take them. I have a horrible habit of just not remembering to take my meds, even if I set an alarm on a watch or something. I guess I could set an alarm on my phone, but that's a last ditch effort as I'm not always home when it'd be time to take them. I'm seeing a therapist now and that's going well. Involved in a great church group, working out, and doing all the things that I need to be doing, but things are still freaking MEHHHHHHHHH.

Take the other night, for example. I wanted to cut. God, did I want to cut. I wanted to cut so freaking bad it hurt. I ended up taking a full dose of ativan, washing it down with a big ole glass of wine, and laying on the couch so I'd stay safe because I know that logically cutting is NOT the answer. I'm getting a new tattoo on Thursday so I'll be getting my dose of pain then, that will help significantly, but man oh man did I need some guidance the other night. I did the right thing and told Stinky that I needed him to not let me leave his sight. He even went so far as to not let me pee in peace so that I'd stay safe. Looking back I appreciate that, because I've made phenomenal strides in my recovery, and I don't want to slip. I can't. I have a precious little girl that needs me to stay safe and healthy and sane.

Isn't that why I went on the meds in the first place anyhow?

Somnolence my ass

They told me this stuff would make me sleep. It is 0212. I am (obviously) not asleep. I took 2 Ativan, Zyprexa, Topamax, and a Norco. You'd think I'd be snoring away next to my husband. I'm not. I'm awake.

Well, to give ya'll an update.. I self admitted myself to the hospital last week. I went manic as all hell. I spent 5000 bucks in about a month. Some were justified spending, like the hotel we stayed at in Disney, a couple of the souvenirs, and food.. but 'Wiggles didn't need 3 shirts, I didn't need all the other stuff I bought, and I went way overboard on groceries. So needless to say, that's one big ole sign I was manic. I also went 4 days without sleep.. well, I slept like 5 hours in 4 days. Catnaps. Power naps, whatever you want to call them. I was irritable as all hell. Every little thing made me SO ANGRY. I almost hulked out over the stupidest little things Wiggles would do. She spent a fair amount of time playing in her crib so I could sit outside and just breathe so I didn't do something bad. At least I had the right frame of mind there, right?

My anxiety also got really bad. I'd lay in bed going through all the things that could go wrong. What if Ali got out of her rib.. she could fall and get hurt.. she could get into the cabinets and get chemicals.. there could be an earthquake and we wouldn't be able to find her.. did we lock all the windows and doors? (Now I'm freaking out and wondering if all the windows are locked... damnit). So I was not in a good state of mind, I needed some help. I called my Primary care doc, he wasn't a whole lotta help. He wanted me to just stop drinking caffiene (yeah right) and not nap, and call him back on Monday. This was Thursday. 0.0 Seriously. I told them that when I get that way I have a tendency to self harm. His response was to just not do it. Ugh. Anyhow, after water aerobics, my good friend A drove me down to the ER so I could be admitted.

The hospital was hands down the best thing for me. I got the care I needed. They treated me with the utmost respect and dignity. Food was AMAZING. Where else can you get steak for dinner and a goat cheese, chicken and spinach sandwich for lunch? A hospital of course. Nom nom nom. Other than the schizophrenic girl who told me to anoint people with my menstrual blood, the people there were not too bad. They didn't do restraint there on a regular basis, if you were that ill they sent you to another hospital. All the beds were private rooms, with private bathrooms. 2 showers for the whole ward, called garden pavilion. Only 14 beds, I think. Not too shabby.

I got out Tuesday night, and it was really good to be home. Wiggles was able to come see me on Saturday and Sunday. She was being watched on Stinky's work days by a good friend of ours, so at least we had childcare all arranged. THANK YOU MY FRIEND! Miz Shabby is the bestest out there. Em is her daughter, and she's about Wiggle's age. They play together all the time :)

In case you're wondering.. I'm bipolarish. This is what it feels like to be manic. ZOMG! ENERGY! I will DO STUFF! LOOK I JUST CLEANED MY HOUSE IN 5 MINUTES! OK NOW WHAT? LETS GO TO THE PARK WEEEE WE'RE AT THE PARK!!!! OK, HOME AGAIN YAAAAAY COOOK DINNER.. ALI STOP THAT NOW STOP. STOP. STOP./. you have been told to stop. go to your room, you can tantrum in your room. yes, I know you want to play with mommy, but mom wants to cook dinner. You cannot tantrum when mom is making dinner,so go tantrum in your room all you want. back to cooking dinner, but happy mood gone. *husband comes home, now I'm in a cranky ass mood because toddler of doom put me in a foul mood* I need to go get my nails done honey. back later. *go to store, spend money because it makes me go back into feel happy stage, come home and play with baby until bed time... then lay awake alllllll night with lots of random things running through my head. like.. do bunnies get rabies? what would happen if I put a rabbit on my friend Aleah's pillow. How loud would she scream. Would her husband tape it for me? Why are bagels round? I need to pee but I don't want to get up. When will there be an earthquake again? Are we prepared for an earthquake? I don't think we are.... and on and on.

This is why I need meds. Crazy lauren needs meds.

Ativan kicked in. Going to attempt sleep. Again.

Love you all.

Zyprexa

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