Saturday, April 14, 2012

Bipolar my ass

I feel like shit tonight. Literally.. like whale shit on the bottom of the ocean. I admit I haven't been the best about med compliance while I've been out here in VA. I need to be better about taking the meds. I just forget to do it. Must set alarm on phone or something, I dunno. I'm really trying. I think my subconscious is trying to sabotage my recovery. I've been sick for so long that it's all I know. Recovery. What a fucking joke.

I wanted to cut tonight. I wanted to cut so bad. To see the rivulets run down my arm, tinting the bath water a pinkish hue. Feel the sweet sting of the blade slicing my skin. Relief from the anxiety, the stress of everything going on. Maybe get some sleep. It always helped me sleep in the past. Not an option though. Totally not an option. I have a deal with my wonderful Stinky that I won't do that. Wiggles doesn't need to see her mama with fresh scars. It's going to be hard enough when she's older and sees the ones I already have. But Lord Almighty was it hard not to. I took 3 Ativan, my topomax, a percocet, and my zyprexa in a hope to get myself calmed down and get some sleep. Yeah. Didn't happen. It's 6 am and I haven't slept. Today's gonna suck.

I really don't think I have bipolar. One semi manic episode does not make you bipolar, does it? I dunno. I think they just wanted to stick some stupid label on me cuz it's easier than giving me the label of mood disorder NOS. Easier to say we have a firm diagnosis than to not have a game plan in mind. They know how to treat bipolar. Dunno if Mood disorder NOS is as easy to treat.

Ok, gonna try this sleeping thing. Again. Not overly hopeful.

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